At our condo, we have an infestation. Ants? Nope. Roaches? No way.
What could be worse than that, you ask?
Ducks. We have the ducks.
It wasn’t always this way. It started out as the cutest infestation ever. We moved into our new home a little over two years ago and, though there were quite a few of them milling about the place, it wasn’t out of hand. They stuck to the small waterway that ran outside our back patio. We could sit outside and watch the wildlife but rarely ran into them in our day to day activities outside.
All that soon changed. Someone must have turned on some Marvin Gaye as these ducks started getting busy and their numbers began to increase exponentially.
Again, it started out cute. Ducks are tricky little bastards. All of a sudden, baby ducks roamed around the premises that I could ooh and aah at for days. The mommy and daddy ducks didn’t seem to mind so long as I kept a safe distance and made sure the dogs didn’t eat them. I should have known it wouldn’t last. The baby ducks would soon grow and grow. And then the cycle would start over.
Herein lies the problem.
As the duck population grew, so did their need for more space. The ducks slowly began meandering into the human populace. They now waddle around the parking lot at their leisurely pace and make nests under my stairs where they quack and quack if I get too close to their precious babies. They continue to get busy at all hours of the night, making noises that even Meg Ryan couldn’t recreate. They poop everywhere.
Everywhere.
I’ve never contemplated taking a life before … until now.
I keep waiting on them to migrate elsewhere. Aren’t birds supposed to do that? But they don’t. They stay, make a lot of love, and reproduce. Repeat for eternity.
Our HOA sent out correspondence asking us not to feed the ducks. They’re a ‘nuisance,’ the letter said. But it’s too late. They’ve already taken over. They’re in control and they know it. I always thought it would be zombies but I was wrong. Ducks will be the end of it all. Well, maybe not for you. There’s still time for you to stop it from happening to your home. But my poor little condo complex? We’re doomed.
Yesterday, some geese arrived and made themselves at home. The infestation has mutated.
The end is near…
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Awesomeness Awaits at Yeah Write!
Arden Ruth 
It happens in Boise too. The end is indeed near if the geese showed up. They are arrogant and will even bite. They get thick really fast too. We need to import some wolverines or something.
Yes!! How about The Wolverine. He’d take care of it quicklike! 🙂
He might even stick around for some of those “work for food” people on every corner.
Really geese? You’re in trouble now. Geese are AWFUL. So territorial. And they can actually kill dogs. Enjoy that.
Ugh – They’re everywhere! I hate them!
This is hilarious but only because it’s not happening at my house. Baby ducks are cute. I can see how you fell for it at first.
Also, my phone tried to autocorrect ducks to sucks which really speaks volumes about me.
Hah! I still fall for the baby ducks until I remember what happens when they grow up. I’m hoping the alligator that just moved in will take care of some of them…
On the upside, no baby ducks died.
Yay silver lining!!!
Loved this! I had a woodpecker who received my ill will and has finally found other homes to deface or simply met his end. Either way, he is not missed.
Thank you! I assume he was not cute like Woody? Although, was Woody really cute? I’m pretty sure I found him annoying too.
I laughed at the “mutated” moment. Too funny. Watch out for poop and hope for the best!
I have stepped in way too much duck poop
Haha thank you!
Yikes. Ducks, geese and any kind of bird makes me put something up over my head. Good luck.
Thanks!! I’ve never been a fan of hunting but I’m starting to come around! Haha
Christmas could be an interesting time. Invite the local 4H chapter over.
Hah! Love it 🙂
It’s possible that if they were somehow in danger (parking lot maybe?) an animal charity might come and catch and relocate them. I’ve heard it being done on building sites and motorways but I don’t know if your place would ever be considered dangerous enough.. Might be worth a try though
Gah I hope so. We have gator that just moved in and they won’t come relocate him until he’s over 6 feet long.
wow, the visual I have from this is amazing. lol Must post pics sometime!
Haha – I used to post pics of the baby ducks (because you know… adorbs!) but now even they annoy me! 🙂
There’s gonna be all sorts of unpleasant duck sex going on. Apparently, ducks are sexual deviants.
Apparently!! Stupid ducks…
I didn’t know that about ducks but love your humorous writing. 🙂
Hah! Thank you 🙂
Oh, man. That’s like having to kill bunnies (not that I have, but my cat has done a great job of controlling the population). Actually, cats are not a bad idea. Sorta guilt-free, survival of the fittest! We have a problem with whistlepigs (groundhogs) here. I find them adorable but a neighbor likes to conk them on the head. A very entertaining read, Arden. Loved this.
We used to have cats roaming around but they’ve disappeared. Thanks Meg! I think I found a connection… 🙂 PS – I loved your yeah write post. I’m so so bad at commenting but I wanted you to know that. So very well written!
This made me laugh, even though it’s not really funny! First bugs and spiders and now ducks? At least ducks are nice. Geese are totally mean. Watch out!
Haha I know! I got animals on the brain! 🙂
Ugh. Is the HOA going to do anything more effective than admonishments not to feed them?
Doubtful. Not the best HOA 😦
Hahahaha. Yes. This is awesome. When I first lived here I was in a condo on James Island that ALSO had a duck problem. And they were scary mutated, herpes ducks with big red bumps all over their bills. There was also a banana spider issue. And for those reasons, my stay there only lasted five months. Hope nature sorts itself out for you.
Ahhhhh!!! Herpes ducks?!?! I remember the banana spiders. They had huge webs outside the cafeteria when I was in college downtown. My friends had to lead me out with my eyes closed!
Goose poop is the worst. When the geese take over you’ll be wishing for the ducks again. I’m sorry that this is happening to you but I loved your story!
Haha thank you!
The geese practically took over the Kansas City Zoo once, and the zoo management began to “exterminate” them. Can you believe that? Even the ZOO got tired of the infestation!
Haha oh no!!! That’s not funny at all!! ….. it’s kind of funny