**Trigger warning for spider talk.
That’s not a proper trigger warning, you say? Well, it should be.
Some may call it an irrational fear even though there is a technical term for it. Arachnophobia. Fear of spiders. Fear of the Satan-spawned creatures with eight spindly legs that make my palms sweaty just thinking of them.
Irrational, my ass.
Since I grew up on a large plot of land (in the woods), you would think I would be fine with bugs of any variety. I spent hours in the woods on the weekends and during the summer. Deer and wild turkeys were my friends.
But bugs? Spiders? Hell no.
I blame my Mom. I can still remember her screams at finding a spider in the downstairs closet. I ran to her as quickly as I could but frankly I was just as scared. What the hell was I going to do? Thankfully, my Dad ran in to save the day, only to buckle over in laughter. The spidey culprit was none other than one of those plastic rings you get at Halloween carnivals.
Oops. My bad, Mom.
Mom can take a joke though. She laughed so hard, tears ran down her leg. Myself? Not so much. I still get the willies whenever I see one of those plastic rings on a child’s finger.
Since then, my fear has only escalated. I keep a stick by my front door so I can knock down any spider webs that may have cropped up over our stairs during the night. We have these monstrosities in Charleston called banana spiders. Don’t let their delicious name fool you. They are devils in yellow-flecked spidey flesh and they build webs in our trees as big as a golden retriever.
But nothing could have prepared me for what happened last week. Currently, the street I live on is being expanded to four lanes. New shopping centers and apartment complexes are growing like weeds down the road from me. Most of this area is fairly marshy and swamp-like. But these contractors slapped some apartments down and called it a day.
Bad move, my friends.
I almost fainted when I heard about it. Less than a mile from my house, this brand spanking new apartment complex was being evacuated due to a black widow takeover. [Pause for vomiting]
Black widows are not your average spider, in case you didn’t know. Their name is quite accurate. They are poisonous. They can make you very sick.
So now, I have millions of these little fuckers being gentrified out of their natural habitat right down the street from me. Where do you think they’ll go? My guess is the nice little condominium complex where I’ve set up quite a nice little home.
They’re coming for me. They can sense my fear.
I just hope this doesn’t result in the making of Arachnophobia 2: Dawn of the Black Widows.
One horrible movie is enough.
Awesomeness awaits at Yeah Write!