**Trigger warning for spider talk.
That’s not a proper trigger warning, you say? Well, it should be.
Some may call it an irrational fear even though there is a technical term for it. Arachnophobia. Fear of spiders. Fear of the Satan-spawned creatures with eight spindly legs that make my palms sweaty just thinking of them.
Irrational, my ass.
Since I grew up on a large plot of land (in the woods), you would think I would be fine with bugs of any variety. I spent hours in the woods on the weekends and during the summer. Deer and wild turkeys were my friends.
But bugs? Spiders? Hell no.
I blame my Mom. I can still remember her screams at finding a spider in the downstairs closet. I ran to her as quickly as I could but frankly I was just as scared. What the hell was I going to do? Thankfully, my Dad ran in to save the day, only to buckle over in laughter. The spidey culprit was none other than one of those plastic rings you get at Halloween carnivals.
Oops. My bad, Mom.
Mom can take a joke though. She laughed so hard, tears ran down her leg. Myself? Not so much. I still get the willies whenever I see one of those plastic rings on a child’s finger.
Since then, my fear has only escalated. I keep a stick by my front door so I can knock down any spider webs that may have cropped up over our stairs during the night. We have these monstrosities in Charleston called banana spiders. Don’t let their delicious name fool you. They are devils in yellow-flecked spidey flesh and they build webs in our trees as big as a golden retriever.
But nothing could have prepared me for what happened last week. Currently, the street I live on is being expanded to four lanes. New shopping centers and apartment complexes are growing like weeds down the road from me. Most of this area is fairly marshy and swamp-like. But these contractors slapped some apartments down and called it a day.
Bad move, my friends.
I almost fainted when I heard about it. Less than a mile from my house, this brand spanking new apartment complex was being evacuated due to a black widow takeover. [Pause for vomiting]
Black widows are not your average spider, in case you didn’t know. Their name is quite accurate. They are poisonous. They can make you very sick.
So now, I have millions of these little fuckers being gentrified out of their natural habitat right down the street from me. Where do you think they’ll go? My guess is the nice little condominium complex where I’ve set up quite a nice little home.
They’re coming for me. They can sense my fear.
I just hope this doesn’t result in the making of Arachnophobia 2: Dawn of the Black Widows.
One horrible movie is enough.
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Awesomeness awaits at Yeah Write!
Arden Ruth 
I don’t mind bugs and spiders. Not enough to want them on me necessarily,but generally OK. I also grew up in the woods around black widows and recluses; we used to coat the ones we found on our swingset in Raid.
I wish they didn’t bug me. But I can’t help it. Haha. I’ll use a whole can of raid on one spider. 🙂
Ack!!! Run. Run far far away! Do it now before it is too late!!
Growing up in the desert we had widows in the house from time to time as they sought refuge from the blazing heat or … well, who knows why really. Once, when I was very little, my mom left me playing on the living room floor. I remember seeing a shadow crawling up the nearby window and then my mom screaming. In my mind the spider was huge, but I’m sure that is the years playing tricks on the memory. Still, since then, spiders have always freaked me right heck out.
Ahhhhhh! I hate them. I hate their stupid little bodies and their stupid little legs. Ack!
Um… mostly it’s their fangs I’m not a fan of… and the red hourglass.
FANGS!!!??!
The spider’s fangs? Their pincers? The way they inject the poison into our frail bodies?
😦 I pretend they are just misunderstood creatures trying to give us kisses but their kisses are death wishes!!
That’s not a kiss I have any interest in. No thank you.
I have a friend who makes me go look up bugs for her and tell her if they’re ok bugs so she doesn’t have to look at webpages with pictures of bugs. I’m the bugmurderer around these here parts.
I had to Google a few things when I wrote this. It wasn’t therapeutic. I should have left this topic alone.
Ugh, I’d be freaked out, too! Good luck!
Haha – Thanks!
PS – I loved this, “Don’t let their delicious name fool you. They are devils in yellow-flecked spidey flesh and they build webs in our trees as big as a golden retriever.” It had me seeing yellow everywhere. The color of caution.
Hah! Hell yeah, the color of caution 🙂 I’m sure someone thinks they’re pretty. That someone is not me.
Arachonophobia?
I get chills just when you mention the spider!
Or any other kind of a bug!
I totally know how you’re feeling.
Yuck!
Haha! They’re awful, awful creatures!
Awful?
I run away in another room, and stand on a chair, while someone else gets rid of it!
Haha! 😀
I totally share your irrational fear of spiders (Even though I’m a million times bigger). I used to see black widows by where we lived in CA. They are creepy. I haven’t seen any on the East Coast. But we get centipedes, which scare me even more.
Ewww centipedes are gross. I don’t think I’ve even seen a black widow before. They’re scary because they’re sneaky hiders.
Yikes. I don’t freak out when I see a spider, but I don’t like them. They normally die pretty quickly after I’ve spotted them. Strange coincidence, eh?
Haha! I scream like a little girl until someone comes and helps me 🙂
That sounds like I’d laugh at you.
They usually do… 😦
I think even the spiders laugh at me.
Ha!
well, that would freak me out as well!! ugh!!
Every little thing I see now is a spider. Piece of fuzz? Nope, spider. Dog treat on the ground? Nope, spider.
It sucks…
oh yeah, i’d be jumpy over everything!! wear stomping shoes! – although i’m sure you’re fine and they are long gone – but wear the shoes anyway. 😉
………….
That. That is so not friggin’ cool. I’m going to have nightmares about world dominating black widows. UGH!
😦 Great post. 😦
Haha – I’m sorry! My intention was not to induce nightmares 🙂
Oh god, grossss. I absolutely love the line “She laughed so hard, tears ran down her leg”.
Also, thanks for the push to put my piece on the grid. I was thinking this week that I didn’t really have anything to post. I have clearly lost all kinds of perspective on the things I write.
Hah! My mom makes that joke all the time so I had to use it 🙂
Thanks for linking up! I liked it. It makes me want to try running again. Maybe tomorrow 🙂
I feel you on the spider thing. Great sequence title, I wonder if Hollywood would pick that up… I’d watch it just because I love scaring the ish out of myself.
I love scary movies but that is the only one I could never watch. Well I did watch it but my eyes were covered the entire time. No thank you.
Yeah after that movie, I refused showers for the longest time because of that one scene in the film. Baths was where it was at.
On behalf of all of us arachniphobes, I want to thank you for NOT posting a picture. Yesterday, i went to get a paper towel off the roll and there was a 1″ centipede. I literally screamed. My husband was at work. I had to do something. So I threw the whole goddam roll out the back door into the yard.
Hah! I had to Google black widows and now I’m traumatized. Your paper towel story reminds me of my favorite ecard:
“I saw a spider in my bathtub so I got a piece of tissue and very, very carefully … burned the house down.”
🙂
YES! HILARIOUS!
I don’t mind spiders at all…had lots of daddy-long-legs and tarantulas in my childhood….but even though I don’t share your arachnophobia I absolutely loved this post. It is so entertaining and well-written 🙂
Thank you! Haha – At least someone out there likes them!
Get out while you can 🙂 But, seriously ugh! I hate spiders!
Shailaja/ Doting Mom
Haha – I know!!
My husband names the spiders and treats them like guests. If I insist, he’ll release them to freedom outside (otherwise they will be murdered by me). In all fairness, most (non-poisonous) spiders are usually the lesser evil to the other kinds of bugs we sometimes get… that doesn’t mean I appreciate him for welcoming them, though (>_<)
Haha – Oh gah. I’m definitely the murdering type 🙂
For me, it’s not so much the spiders as the centipedes. And the last time I told someone that, I saw a huge centipede in the kitchen cupboard. Now I’m thinking I shouldn’t have mentioned that. 😉
Hah! A few people have mentioned centipedes. I don’t see those a lot on Charleston so I’m grateful!
I’m not typically scared of spiders, but no thank you black widows. No.
Yesterday my house was infested with wasps. (By infested I mean they were getting stuck inside the window. They didn’t actually get in. And there were only two of them.) I am so unbelievably afraid of them I sat in the hallway with a can of Raid and cried. I get your fear. I really do.
Oh my. Not to downplay your terror but I’m very happy to hear it was only 2. I hate bees of any variety as well. Stingy little bastards. When I saw a comment of yours yesterday regarding the infestation, I imagined hundreds. I just gave myself chills. Ack!
I can sometimes be a little dramatic.
No!! 🙂 Haha I would be ‘dramatic’ over 1/2 a wasp.
ME TOO ME TOO ME TOO! Spiders are the spawn of Satan himself. Oh, and we have black AND brown widows at my house. Fun, huh? *shudders*
BROWN ONES!! Yuck. I keep giving myself the willies…
omg ew ew ew ewww!!
Hah! I’m getting a lot of that 🙂
I would have to sleep in a bubble suit!
You didn’t like Arachnaphobia? I thought it was fun.
I love scary movies but I couldn’t do it. Just thinking about it gives me nightmares!
Guess you’ve never seen Kingdom of the Spiders then?
I don’t even want to know. I bought the second Hobbit movie a month ago but have yet to watch it since I know about the ginormous spiders!
KOTS has William Shatner in it, so that’s something!
I guess you thought Spider-Man was a horror movie?
Hah – I watched the first two with Tobey Maguire. I was fine except for when the spider actually bit him. Then I cried.
You didn’t see #3? You missed emo Spidey??
Hah – Definitely missed that. I want to stab Kirsten Dunst so it was a miracle I watched the first two.
OMG! YOU GET IT!!!
I DO!!! 🙂