When I first lived on my own, I knew there would be responsibilities that were new to me. With no roommate to lean on, the brunt of the cleaning, bill paying, and flailing through life would be placed on my shoulders. When I considered adopting a dog, I knew those responsibilities would grow even heavier.
But I was ready.
I grew up on sixty acres of land. Picking up the family dog’s poop was not part of my upbringing. If our dogs did happen to poop in the front yard, Dad would wait for it to harden and then chip it into the woods. He constantly searched for extra golf practice.
However, when life bestowed upon me a lovable mutt that I would raise as my own child, I knew what I was supposed to do. My friends had dogs. I saw the little baggies they carried around in cool contraptions hooked to their pup’s leashes. In a town like Charleston, where homes on sixty acres are not generally found, I knew that poop in hand would become something normal in my everyday life.
So why is it so fucking hard for everyone else to understand that?
Someone in my condominium complex wholeheartedly believes that if their precious dog shits upon the pine needles (in lieu of the lawn), there is no need to pick up said waste and dispose of it in a proper receptacle. Only a short piece of sidewalk separates the stairs leading up to my home from the shit-strewn wasteland in front of my downstairs neighbor’s front door. My pups tiptoe around the poop in an attempt to find a pristine spot to excrete their waste. They even turn their noses up at the foul smelling ground.
If the dogs don’t even like the poop, then we have a problem.
Yesterday, my home’s HOA was nice enough to put up a sign near the affected area. In big block letters it read, “THERE IS NO POOP FAIRY.” For a moment, I chose not to believe it. I’m not the praying type, but I knelt right down in front of that tree (first checking for poop, of course) and wished upon that damn poop fairy to deliver us from this foul-smelling menace!
The very next day, that son of a bitch pooped right in front of the tree (and the sign) and left it there.
The gauntlet was officially thrown.
I’ve thought long and hard on how to catch the evil-doer. I believe I know the culprit’s identity but I can’t imagine my neighbor wanting that much poop right outside their own door. I’ve dreamt of surveillance, night vision goggles, and a net to trap the poopmeister! I’ve daydreamed of the ‘Ah Ha!’ moment that will come when I finally catch the twatwaffle in the act!
Oh, sweet victory. It will be mine.
Until then, my life is nose plugs, eyes on the ground, and prayers to the poop fairy.
Wish me luck.
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Awesomeness Awaits at Yeah Write
Arden Ruth 
For whatever reason, this just cracked me up.
Well yay! I’m trying to laugh about it but it still just pisses me off. Haha!
I am picturing you in full ninja gear…
*steeples fingers like Mr. Burns
Excellent…
Twatwaffle. LOL! This is the third post I’ve read today about things that smell real bad. I checked my pits and I’m OK. Whew.
Hah!! That’s hilarious! 🙂 Also, I just learned that word today. It’s my new favorite.
If there is a more humorous word than twatwaffle I haven’t come across it yet.
Agreed!! 🙂
oh i hate those poopers! so rude. we have one in our neighborhood. i hope you catch em in the act!
Haha – Me too!!
Ick, same thing over here… except pretty much everyone in the neighborhood has dogs, and only about three people bother picking up after them.
Twatwaffle! I haven’t seen anyone else use that before! 😀
Hah! There are definitely multiple culprits in my entire complex but only one in my little area.
For shit sake…
🙂
Lol…’twatwaffle’. That is perfect. I hope you catch the jerk!
Me too! Haha – I just discovered twatwaffle and I love it!
If you can catch them in the act, your HOA board should be able to fine the perpetrator for violating the tenants of the association. We do that in my HOA, anyway. I sit on the board, and whenever someone does something they shouldn’t be doing – using the pool and spa after hours, parking in areas they aren’t supposed to, or otherwise neglecting to keep the peace in our little community, we send them a bill. Their monthly meetings should be advertised, and are open to all residents, go to the next one and bring it up.
Oh it’s a fine too by the city. We just can’t catch the sneaky bastard! He must only poop at 3am.
Stray dog? Coyote? Some other wild animal that has taken a liking to that particular spot?
I don’t think so. We’re pretty sure it’s my downstairs neighbor. He is just very sneaky.
My HOA has sent out fines on “best guesses” before saying that the charges can be disputed if they want to show up to the meetings to refute them…
They showed up, and we nixed the fine… but it made them aware that they were being monitored and they stopped parking where they weren’t supposed to be.
Hah! Interesting… I think we only have a yearly meeting though so I may have to wait awhile.
Hmmm… Check your monthly bill, it should have the date/time/place for the monthly meetings… the board uses those to discuss financials, approve projects, etc… I guess they could just meet once a year, but that doesn’t seem likely…
My old one did too. (We’re lazy down here, remember?) 🙂
Hahahaha, well, okay then
Nothing I can do about that.
That is terrible. And I’m speaking here as a dog owner who started off in an apartment with no yard and so we picked up every piece of poop immediately and threw it away. I have such a hard time understanding how people can be so incredibly rude/selfish/lazy. I hope your association or (you in night goggles) catch them in the act! They think they’re too special to pick up their own dog’s poop? Nobody’s that special. Get over yourself.
Hah! Love it 🙂 Most people seem to get it. But there’s always that one person who has to be the asshole!
Haha! I love how you’ve added humor here. (I’m sorry if its not humorous to you 😉 )
I hate those poopers too. So much! Dont even get me started here. I wish you a basket full of luck! Go get’em girl!
Hah! Thank you! I’m trying to find it funny but it’s not working 🙂
You know, I wouldn’t expect to enjoy a story about dog poop, but the imagery in this is outstanding (kneeling to pray, being a ninja, etc.). Awesome!
Hah! I wouldn’t expect to enjoy writing about poop! 🙂
I had someone who let her dog shit in front of my house and leave it. One day I saw her and went outside to give her the stink eye. It never happened again. I suggest you stalk then give looks of death. (Also, that’s so foul. Why are people so gross?)
I will definitely give looks of death. I never see them though. They’re practically hermits. The one time I did see their dog, it tried to attack my own dog. Bastards.
The poop fairy. I think I’d laugh every time I passed that sign…
Oh I do! There’s a picture and everything. Just imagine the tooth fairy with a pooper scooper 🙂
I have a friend that caught their problem dog owning neighbor by checking Google Maps. Otherwise, I hear there are doggie P.I.s now. Hee hee, good luck, Arden.
That’s awesome!! I would totally hire a doggie P.I. 🙂
I love posts about dog shit.
I once vowed to never post about poop. But it was all I had this week…
There ARE dog poop investigators who use DNA results to link the crap with the crapper. I know it’s true because I heard about it on NPR. Also, a notice and a (fake) surveillance camera can be work wonders. I hope you catch the arrogant, disgusting jerk.
I wonder how one decides to become a poop investigator…
Childhood dreams come to life.
There used to be a similar problem near the playground of my neighborhood, but that thankfully seems to have stopped.
I’m hoping it stops here. So gross!