First Date Fail

It was time.  I had finally moved on from the worst breakup of my life and was ready to try this whole ‘relationship’ thing again.

We had met a few weeks before through mutual friends.  He was devilishly handsome with a strong southern accent to boot.  I was a goner from the start.  After randomly meeting up with friends over the course of a couple of weeks, he finally asked me out on an official date.  I was ecstatic, though nervous.  I hadn’t been on a first date in almost two years.

I thought I was screwed.

The night finally arrived and I could only have been more prepared if I had brought conversation cue cards.  He showed up at my house, met my adorable new puppy, and headed off to my favorite restaurant for dinner.

The conversation went swimmingly.  There were no awkward pauses.  He told me I looked beautiful.  I managed to not spill food in my lap or say something completely asinine.  This date was going to be a success!  I just knew it.

After dinner, we took a walk along the water.  He continued to compliment.  I continued to swoon like a fifteen year old out with the starting quarterback.  We eventually headed back to the car for him to drop me off at home.

That’s when the nerves really kicked in.

The endings of first dates are perhaps the most nerve-wracking moments during a person’s life.  Kiss or no kiss?  Invite in or politely end the date at the door?  There are many options that must be determined telepathically.  It is a miracle more first dates don’t end in panic attacks.

Once we arrived at my house, I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do.  As we walked to my front door, I stole a glance inside and gasped in complete and utter horror.

Do you remember the adorable puppy that my date met earlier that evening? That sweet chunk of fur had decided to poop throughout the entire lower floor of my house. Poop was everywhere!

I turned my back to the doors, forcing my body to expand so he couldn’t see inside.  I looked at his face and realized he hadn’t seen a thing.  There was still a chance to get through this.  I quickly thanked him for a wonderful evening, gave him a curt peck on the cheek, and informed him I had some things to take care of for work, but I would love to see him again.  He looked at me strangely and nodded.  He was probably trying to figure out what a bartender would have to do from home at midnight.  I chose not to explain.  I grinned like an idiot until he got into his car and went inside to greet my ‘adorable’ dead-meat puppy.

My adorable little pain in the ass!
My adorable little pain in the ass!

I spent the remainder of my evening cleaning the carpets while thinking of all the ways I could kill my dog.  I didn’t think he would ever call me again.

Well, he did call and we went out on a couple more dates.  His spell over me had waned, however, and he eventually ditched me for the waitress he had been eyeing for months.

I like to think Wren caught a douche-vibe off him from the start.  She was only looking out for me.

Douchebags Beware!


Awesomeness awaits you at Yeah Write

55 thoughts on “First Date Fail

    1. I know! I’ve been waiting for something stupid to happen to me to write about until one day I thought … what about all the horrible dates I went on? Huzzah!

  1. LOVE IT!!! she’s adorable……. hey our little furballs can sniff out a douche bag in no time flat, it’s our fault if we don’t pay attention to their warning signs and in your case your floor was lined with shit….which he became to be.

      1. I realized when I moved that my adorable puppy had chewed a hole in the flooring under the bed. I didn’t notice it for two years.

  2. a dog knows, that’s for sure. but, devilish good looks and a southern accent. whew, that’s a killer combination. too bad he was a douche. at least you got one in under the belt. on to the next one..

  3. Best puppy ever!!
    While our cats aren’t called upon to sniff out bad dates, they are a litmus test for finding house sitters while we are gone. If they come down and say “hello” when we are interviewing potential people they have a shot at getting hired, but if the cats are no-shows then the sitters services won’t be called upon.

  4. Puppy power is what I say. Dogs really do have ways of knowing what’s best for us.
    On a serious note, I also really liked the pacing of this piece. It worked super well.

  5. I just spent an hour or so cleaning up my puppy’s latest mess. I feel your pain! At least you’ve rationalized her behavior. I cannot figure out why Pickles thinks the entire house is hers to poop in — regardless of how often or how long she’s out. Yuk. I should have stuck with cats 🙂

    Anyway, you’re a cute, smart, funny girl. I’m sure Wren will scope out someone good for you.

  6. My dog is not an indoor pooper thank goodness but he will not come near anyone he doesn’t think is suitable. I realized it when I had someone come over and after mentioning my dog he said “there’s a dog in here?” He wasn’t even a date but I got rid of him pretty fast. Smart doggie… This was a really good piece by the way…well done!

    1. Thank you! The funny thing is she wasn’t an indoor pooper either. That was one of the very few times she had done that!

    1. That was the day I realized I have a very special dog 🙂 She approves or disapproves everyone for me now!

    1. They’re great to have around! Thanks for that – Douchebag Detector. I’m going to have it engraved on her collar 🙂

  7. It is always good to have your own Douchebag Detection Device. Even if it comes in a cute furry package. What you SHOULD have done was invite him in and see if he helped you clean up. That would have been a true test to see if he was a good guy. 😉

  8. I LOATHE first dates… But, how do you get to the second and third dates without them?!?! Sorry that one didn’t work out. I agree, the puppy didn’t like him!

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