Letting Go

She lays on the floor, wailing like a two year old who’s had her favorite toy taken away.

His words repeat over and over through her mind.

“I don’t think I could ever love you.” 

“I think we should just be friends.”

She screamed after him as he walked out of her bedroom, leaving her alone and afraid. She felt embarrassed but couldn’t stop the sobs from coming as tears exploded from her eyes.

She texted him over and over, grateful for his responses even though they were never what she hoped they would be.

“I made a mistake.” 

“I do love you.” 

“Can I come back?”

She woke up the next morning with tears already streaming down her face, unable to recall when she had climbed into bed.  Against her better judgment, she dragged herself to class.  Her professor took pity, passing over her during a group session, never asking about the tears that silently ran down her cheeks.  Her friend held her hand, never asking what was wrong, silently understanding that nothing was to be said.

She tried calling into work, cursing herself for getting the job in the first place.  There was no one to cover and she cried the whole way to the shop, entering with puffy eyes and a bruised ego.  Her manager looked at her and immediately apologized, knowing the new girl wasn’t sick as she had originally claimed.

The days went by in a blur.  Her friends attempted to console, not knowing what to say.  His responses to her texts came less frequently and she understood he was trying to distance himself; attempting to let her go.

She wasn’t ready.

Her heart felt cracked; broken in a way she had never felt before.  She had once thought she was in love in high school, but upon meeting him, knew at once that it had been nothing of the sort.  Now, she was left alone, a shell of her former self.  Everyone told her it would get better.  It did, in a way, but she would never be the same.

A phone call from him six months later would make her still-cracked heart stop mid-beat.  The realization of a misdial would make her retreat back behind her walls.  A chance encounter would send her into a panic, never knowing what to say, as if she was back on their first date.

Eventually, her heart would heal, although there would always be a black spot to remember the moment it had almost shattered into a million pieces.  Eventually, her heart would be given over to a new boy, a boy who knew how to treat it with love and respect.  Eventually, she would stop thinking of the boy who walked out of her life in an instant after she had given him everything she had.

Eventually, she would let him go.

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40 Comments on “Letting Go

  1. Awesome post!! You are an excellent writer you brought me back to experiences of my very own broken heart never thinking I would recover or be who I once was. I remember having those “misdialed” calls and just hearing his voice would just render me useless for a day or two…..always wondering if he just said he dialed on accident or if he to just missed me ….just a little.
    ~I blame it on Disney!!

    • Haha! Thanks so much! Disney for sure is to blame 🙂 I still hate running into him even though it’s been SO long since it happened. I kind of wish he would just move away already! Haha

      • I understand that!!! I was always scanning parking lots or grocery store aisles just so I wouldn’t run into him…..and then just leave it to that ONE day when i wasn’t paying attention and there he is looking gorgeous as ever with his barbie doll looking girlfriend and then there I am …..wearing yoga pants and a tshirt, hair all a mess and make-up smeared because I just finished at the gym…..believe me I hot tailed it out of there quickly!!

  2. So relatable, you really captured that post-break-up broken, hollow feeling and how fragile it can be when faced again with the source of the pain. Well done, you had me from the start.

  3. I loved the way it was written – I really thought back to all my broken hearts and puffy eyes. It’s so hard to let go, but eventually time heals you. Great post!

  4. Nicely written. It definitely brought me back to my biggest broken heart experience. I moved all the way across the country to be with my “soul mate”, and I realized that I wasn’t going to work out after a week. Fast forward 30 years. I still live on the west coast, and I’ve never been happier!

    I’m glad you found someone who treats you with love and respect.

  5. So well written, I felt like I was there with you! I know that heart stopping feeling when you see his name on your phone or worse, run into him in person. I’m glad it’s in the past and you’ve found someone who knows how to treat you right!

  6. Oooh, powerful stuff. And I think most of us have been there before. That first true love that it takes forever to get over. The one that just doesn’t reciprocate and the intense hurt that follows. I’m glad you found a boy to protect your heart rather than crush it!

  7. Oh, you figured out how to let go? I was not thoroughly convinced that was always possible…20 years and there is still sometimes that dark spot you so beautifully and painfully spoke of. Such a phenomenal break up post…ouch!

  8. I have been there, I have been there. For about six years I was heartbroken over a boy, my first love. It was tormenting, and that’s why my twenties sucked so badly.
    The boy came back to me when he became a man, and while I know how unlikely a story ours is, I wish I could have gotten back those years of grief.

    • That sounds like it should be in a movie! I agree, though. I hate that I wasted so much time agonizing over him.

  9. Pingback: First Date Fail | Musings of a Dancing Wino

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